Current

Heart of Clouds, Summerland magic

The unexpected magic yesterday of being down on Summerland beach. The last time I was there was at this time last year, after Walter Davis, my screenwriting teacher at the SB Writers Conference passed. Two writers who were important to me passed last year, he and Kate Braverman.

The last thing Walter ever said to me, was, “Let’s go to France.”

I spent a great deal of time last year at the end of summer on the beach there, with the driftwood structures, as those are a main theme in the book I have written for children. Well guess what? I met the artist on those, and is there ever a fantastic one there now.

Funny how life works, the passage of one year. The Conference wasn’t on this year because of the Covid.

I feel better in Summerland.

So Odin and I went, after a whole year almost, at Sunset. Today I am taking the book down to them, to see what they think of the themes. It is great to meet people like that, in such a sacred, sacred place to me. Most of my location shots last year were down in that area all the way to Loon point.

It was written to go to film and in scenes. I may just write that right here in WordPress, like I did the play before the Conference last year. I took a short story and simply converted it over into a play. From Walter I learned to write character studies, as that is what he did, and my book was an answer piece to his film “Do You Remember Love.”

Well, I know those guys I met on the beach are going to love it, because it is the local childhood I wrote that exists here. My heart went into that book, and all my training as a therapist, as well. The thing is Walter didn’t even care. Well? I may put that book for sale right here in WordPress I am so angry that he couldn’t even bother to get back to me. My opinion of Hollywood isn’t that great. Anyway, my best year at the Conference was a few years ago when I got to meet Janet Fitch who studied with Kate Braverman. Her “White Oleander” went to film and is one of the classics.

There is more to life than crochet, perhaps. Or anger. Seeing that driftwood structure made my day yesterday, it really did. I shot the cover for the book right off the beach there.

I said, “You can design Devlin’s hut. My god look what you have built here.”

I asked him if he did the ones last year and he had.

How incredible is that?

xxoo!

On the crochet front I am working on something called the Fruit Garden CAL that reminds me of Brideshead Revisited, a series I loved very much once, back in college years. The character of Sebastian and his Teddy. I love Waugh and other English writers. Always have. CS Lewis came to me in a dream that last few pages of my book.

All the pix of what I saw on the beach last year are over in FB and I’m not. I’m giving it a wide berth. The other day an old friend called and said the rumor on FB was that I was dead. Not yet.

Here is some crochet. I have not done things like this since I was 13 with my best friend, not kidding. I had to work in corporate hell, and maybe the next book will be about the newspaper years and what it was like for women on the job. Today is going to be fun.

If this isn’t the most gorgeous design what is?

Janie Crow’s Fruit Garden CAL in Ravelry and Youtube

I didn’t have one of her kits, with her colors, drat.

I am going to finish this, yep.

I plan to.

Hope all of you are well. This virus thing is so hard on us. To be at the empty beach yesterday was fabulous, and Odin my dog loves that beach.

Today, again.

Seeing people who will love the book.

Yarn and memoir

So the fantastic first package of yarn arrived yesterday, bursting with Stylecraft and the Janie Crow colors to make her design for The Fruit Garden CAL. I joined Ravelry a few days ago, am Adrienne101 there. It amazes me that all the designers from around the world that I had been looking at in Youtube are in there. Crocheting sort of saved me during the last two years. I’m not sure how that worked exactly, but it did.

Anyway, it had been years and years and years since I picked up any yarn or thread to do anything. I practiced and practiced by watching videos of all kinds of women and people around the world in all of their different languages.

This morning I thought, wow, you know? I did this instead of writing. But writers do many things if the words aren’t there. They will be again. Walter’s death really was heavy for me at last year’s conference. I learned much from him about writing scenes. It’s not that much different from crochet. So my best friend and I at 13. That is in my memoir. We started off crocheting to escape in those years. We were escaping everything, I expect. You are on such a cusp at 13, you know? So this is a chapter called “Strings” https://valentinebonnaire.com/2010/12/29/strings-from-memoir-whitegirrrl-short-chapter/ that I was working on in 2010 – that whole book needs an edit, ooof. Some of the chapters make me cry they are so hard to look back on.

Anyway, the two of us would go downtown to a place called The Yarn Mart in those years. We would wander through, after school. It’s long gone now. But I love to get lost with yarn and fabrics. It takes me so far back I’m practically in childhood, as in “FUN” so this morning I finished off a little heart by a South African designer called Jen Tyler.

So, one of the boxes of the new yarn arrived, yesterday!

OMG. It puts the Big Box yarn I had to shame. I think this yarn and I are going to be beloved friends.

Check it out!

That’s the little Forget-Me-Not flower from the Fruit Garden CAL. My best friend Pam at 13 grew up loving the Pre-Raphaelites. Funny, this pattern – the colors.

Her grandmother had made her a classic blanket, that was in her room when we were so little. I started one of those blankets where you keep going around and around the square, you know?

Well, who knew that I was going to grow up and attempt something as gorgeous as what Janie Crow has designed. Neither my mother or my grandmother did anything like this. I did hear that my Irish great grandmother used to make lace, but I have never seen it.

Forget me not.

xxoo!

from Adrienne

(who will be back on the writing jag soon enough)

I am so over politics, and this virus.

Yarn, during the pandemic

Focus on color. This is going to work for me. So I should be getting the cartons of the yarns soon, to start Janie Crow’s gorgeous Fruit Garden CAL. I have been practicing the squares, and so here are some images. Yesterday I realized I will have to order yarn, and this is new, in order to get a higher quality than what the big box has.

Also, I think I want to design a little myself, and so yesterday I began to think about that.

So, focus.

Focus on joy.

Focus each day on a thing that can make you happy. This can be anything, and right now for me it is color.

It is getting harder and harder to absorb the news, to watch the news.

Insert beauty.

So here is the first little flower, the Forget me not. Done in blue, from some scrap yarns I have:

I love how Janie has made the designs from easy to hard in a kind of production mode. You can follow her hands:

This is what I came up with for the clementine square – I only had a bit of melon colored yarn and for the other bits I had to use Lily cotton to get semi near the shades she used. The thing is, I really wish I had gotten the kit. The reason being, the yarns are so much prettier. So I went back to the Stylecraft site and looked at what I ordered. Some of the colors jumped off the page at me, and it may be that I try and do parts of this with something different, when the yarn comes. I had to do that when I started her pattern for Frida’s Flowers, too. I didn’t have the colors. So it was trips and trips back to the yarn store.

This time I plan to FINISH.

So in my basket, yarn for a knitted really cush blanket I began a year ago.

It’s so soft and I made a tweed by using big box style.

But I have some Italian yarn! I fell in love with that, and yesterday I was able to get a bit more. They are closing it out, oh no.

I guess I could say I am designing a blanket, then.

Score one!

The yarn makes me really happy and so this is the time for doing things by hand.

Even looking at the colors for the soup I made that day…

So, small things.

Small, quiet things, to get through this time.

The news is incredibly frightening.

Have yarn.

Bright little strings, crochet

They seem to be helping, a little. So I am waiting on some boxes of actual yarn that the designer Janie Crow used for her magnificent Fruit Garden CAL. Not having the actual yarn has been strange because I can’t do the colors? She uses yarns from Stylecraft for this in a mix.

I have been practicing. The Acanthus motif is the most fantastic, I mean, just to do that one.

So I have almost made all the flowers, with scraps of different kinds of yarn. I can see why Hollyhock was her favorite, it is gorgeous. She has such a signature style on the leaves and all the picots. Last summer I was in the big box and saw a magazine – Crochet and the scarf on the cover. I knew it was her! So there you have it.

The Maltese Cross in the center of Acanthus is such a stunner. The kits were sold out, so trying to find the yarn was maddening. I can’t get Parchment so I had to settle for Cream. So this is Hollyhock.

I had some Caron Cakes in blues. I think this will be the type of yarn I will be receiving. So I didn’t have any pink, drat. Winging it in blue. The main thing is to try for each.

The main thing is to say no matter how terrible everything seems, keep going. At the end, you will have this gorgeous thing.

So these color ranges from Stylecraft, just wow. You can find her free patterns for things here. https://www.stylecraft-yarns.co.uk/

Waiting on the yarn boxes is like kid in a candy store. In the UK they have DK weight, and these yarns are called DK Life, and Batik. Both are wool blends. The Caron Cake is also that mixture and so I was really happy to shade with the blue.

I couldn’t get Blue Haze and it is killing me, anyway, we shall see, soon.

Strings of yarn as solace, in this time.

I’m trying to remember the colors that I ordered, and just wow. I have way more than the ones in the kit coming, because I knew I would have to make substitutes.

Crochet, color, yarn and art

I was drawn immediately to Janie Crow’s design for Frida’s Flowers on account of the complexity. I mean, at first I thought, oh my god, the beauty. It’s the same thing with the new one for Fruit Garden. The only trouble is the yarn I could get. It had been years since I had shopped for yarn and I wanted natural fibers, which we cannot get here in town anymore. The boutiques are long gone, and the only craft place is a big box that took over. So, I gave it a start but? Garish. As you can see. Still though, I gave it a start. My feeling is, if you are going to put that much work into something, have the yarn be great. On this new one, there is a Bamboo/Cotton blend, and if the colors? Well, that or, my fave Mercerized, but from where? It is not to be had. Not in stores. I found it! So, some of Frida’s Flowers and the various passes.

I have no idea how any of us will get through this time.

Maybe by making some art.

So, I am drawn to natural fibers, and the only trouble with this yarn is that it is for things like dishcloths or something. It does not have the “hand” or the tight twist, or the shades or? Dunno.

That image is from a fave Mexican Restaurant here, that I miss so much. If they closed it would be hell.

Life as we have known it is over.

Hope you are having an easier time of it where you are.

I’m keeping my old Teddy near me. Watching lots of film. It’s as if all the fun is gone, here in California.

So, yesterday, while I was waiting, am waiting, for the yarn to arrive from overseas, I began. I crocheted a little square for Fruit Garden. I was able to do it! The first square is called “Forget Me Not” and let me show you the vid she has done. The shades she has chosen are gorgeous. I just used some yarn I had hanging around, and it is pure cotton. I found it in a box. That children’s book I wrote has a theme in it about the plastic problem in the ocean. So, age 13 was all about crochet for me, and we used to have a thing called Speed Cro-Sheen that was brilliant spun cotton on a ball. This would be fantastic in that. Thirteen was also all about Mucha for me. Anyway, triumph. I did it! We need the small victories, in the middle of so much sad.

So, just practice, until the gorgeous yarn arrives. I made it blue, and what I love is the intricacy of how she changes the colors. One thing I did, was use some white and the red. I used three single crochets to stuff that area with color. The yarn is made by a company called Takhi – it comes from Greece and is so gorgeous. I actually crave the colors, as if they are paints.

So, both the red and the blue, are mercerized style cotton.

Look at these colors!!!!!!!!!!!! The red is from here, Tahki, ages ago. I love, love, love the color ranges. So maybe I can get that for the Frida’s Flowers pattern, down the road.

Looking back over the heaps of squares and things I made, I can see that with the Frida pattern, I was able to put even the most garish of colors together, on my own. So this one was a fave from that time. It’ s funny how much the design changes given how the colors work. In this one I had to unravel parts of yarn balls to get to the beige, or the red, or even some of the greens. This will be so much easier with higher quality yarns. It really will. Still though, I have a tendency to not like things, and these took so much effort, I can see that now.

Crochet, and how I found Janie Crow’s gorgeous designs…

Two years ago I decided to pick up crochet again and knitting, after years. Since childhood, actually. My husband wasn’t well that year and I was watching over him, so I was sitting around with tons of time on my hands, and I started to watch videos in Youtube of different women all over the world crocheting things, in their own languages. I had no idea there was something called a CAL, which is a crochet-along with others, but I started to see these. They are nothing like what we knew in my childhood – these new mandalas and so forth are total works of art. So these flowers date from that very autumn, in my life two years ago now.

The colors and the patterns, the intricacy and delicacy of the designers. But I met a kindred spirit in Janie’s designs. For one thing, the gorgeous homages to people like Monet, and now May Morris. Best was Frida though, one of my favorites, just because.

So, a woman in Youtube was doing the stitches in a video and I sat for hours with her hands, “teaching me” – those videos are here.

Then I searched for Janie and found that she does patterns for a yarn company called Stylecraft in the UK, so I saw the originals. I was just swept away by how exquisite her things are. The flowers and the leaves. The only yarn I could buy here is not the kinds of colorways they have over in the UK. So, I made each square, just to see if I could. I guess there had been kits for these things, once. It’s a bit like doing a paint by number, except, you want to pay homage to the designer herself? The work that goes into designing to begin with.

One of Frida’s Flowers, that I crocheted, using American cotton yarn, as you can see, the colors are not the same…

The colors! They reminded me of a time years ago when I was up in the Sur and getting books by Kaffe who does things with Rowan Yarns. Well, it has been ages since I was so inspired, that it is almost like using oils.

Some of her patterns are over in Stylecraft, you can see that here, and I just was able to find some of that special yarn and it will be here in seven to ten days! Yay!

Because, the new blanket is total Arts & Crafts, both versions. So gorgeous, omg. You can watch her talking about the design here.

xxoo!

from Adrienne

(who is going to make these, while we are going through so much of a nightmare with the coronavirus situation)

The yarn will arrive and I can start on Fruit Garden, even though I was not able to match all the colors exactly.

CORONAVIRUS DIARIES

I am writing from Southern California, in the midst of the biggest crisis the world has ever seen. The only way I can get the news is via Google, then Twitter, then Youtube as it breaks. Local news here in America has not reported on other countries for some time. My husband watches the television for his news. He gets it much slower than I do. Maybe because our minds work differently.

I am watching what the president has to say along his Twitter feed. One of the worst aspects of this crisis is to watch all the lesser politicians scramble to get in line for their potential shot at the JOB, because this is what they are doing. Trying to make themselves look good. In this I refer to Cuomo and Newsom along their footage. What the President said yesterday or so is that he is LEAVING IT UP TO THE STATES. The message from both Cuomo and Newsom is that millions will die, so it isn’t very comforting at all.

I think what I will write you now in this diary, is a part of the experience of being “here,” in this region, as the days roll by like waves. From what they released about “flattening the curve” we are all told to stay in. People for the most part have obeyed this. Everyone is very frightened and this panic is not going to subside anytime soon. Before I look at any more news ledes today, or read any more editorials, I just want to take a breath.

We cannot go out for anything except essentials. This means stores that we love and frequented will go out of business. It’s been three weeks of the hoarding. First it was toilet paper and now it is food, so I can tell you about yesterday and going to a small sized chain supermarket. THE SHELVES WERE EMPTY. I wish I had taken my camera out, to document it. Perhaps next time I will. The only way that I can describe it? What we saw in Russia, in the late 80’s on the news. As everything FELL.

We don’t have reportage like that anymore, on TELEVISION. We no longer have a PRESS in America that can do the reporting city to city. It’s all broken. This post will be long, today. I want to talk about yesterday.

I have to go backward in my mind to think about the first time I went to a store, after hearing about this. I was still using my FACEBOOK account, at that time and so I had begun to process news stories that were breaking around the world. I went to what we call a drugstore, or a pharmacy here in California, maybe four weeks ago? It is hard to remember. I was looking for the hand sanitizer as the stories began to break about “WASHING YOUR HANDS” and we were seeing news on China suddenly. There was NO SANITIZER and I asked a store clerk maybe a week later if they had masks, because suddenly on the news everyone seemed to be wearing a mask. This is maybe a month ago. The next time I went to the market, maybe two weeks ago, there was no paper to be had. NONE. I thought I would venture out again, to try and find some and so these are my last FB posts. I did find some in a little import store in a poorer part of the town I live in. For $7.99 I was able to get some toilet paper from Vietnam, and at a Mexican market here I was able to get some chamomile scented Charmin, not the sort you would expect. It was $2.99 for four rolls.

It was when I went back to the store for food, though, perhaps two weeks ago? I was scared. I had begun to see the shelves be emptied. First it was staple things, like rice and beans, potatoes and so forth. They simply were not there, along with the non-existent paper. Yesterday, and the last time I was in that store I spoke with clerks who are working valiantly, and not wearing masks or gloves. What was said to me yesterday? “This will pass by the end of April” the meat and fish counter which has fresh fish was CLOSED. He told me it was a matter of “social distancing” – on the part of the corporation. I said, “In our lifetimes we have never seen anything like this,” and he said, “No, we haven’t.” To see an American store EMPTY? I have.

Yesterday, there were NO EGGS.

THERE IS NO FLOUR.

THERE WAS NO MILK.

Something larger is going on. You can sense it. Here is the headline of the day from NEWSWEEK https://www.newsweek.com/u-s-now-has-third-highest-number-covid-19-cases-after-china-italy-1493618

I’m going to see what the President has tweeted. There was a positive story about the company Hanes on manufacturing the masks here. It would be good to see all the American companies rise to the fore and come home, not just for Economic Nationalism, but because THEY WERE AMERICAN COMPANIES. Most Americans are aware of what has been sold down the river over the last 30 years by very crooked politicians running the country.

Here is that story on Hanes: https://abcnews.go.com/Health/hanes-start-making-masks-health-care-professionals-treating/story?id=69729931 from ABC. Hanes was like this fantastic company that made cotton clothing, T-Shirts and underwear and so forth al my life. Hanes was the sort of thing you could fall back on? I am so glad to see this news. See this COMPANY come to the fore. There will be others I am sure. I think, Americans would like to be known as the ones who produced the things the world needed, at this time. This is a great story, and when the President talks about “it is a beautiful thing to see” this is what he means. He is talking about “the American Spirit” – which is to come to the fore, versus the ‘you didn’t build that spirit” of the previous President.

This is DISGUSTING. The virus is not the President’s fault. https://nypost.com/2020/03/22/de-blasio-blames-trump-for-nyc-hospital-equipment-shortage-people-will-die/ so, the actions of the politicians are something ALL AMERICANS CAN SEE RIGHT NOW.

Frankly there are many questions about this VIRUS and those can be had over in Twitter in terms of who was working on it as far back as 2015, and who is working on the antidote just now. Twitter is pretty admirable that way, and there are some very curious things if you search things like Gates on that right now. The President may be part of the billionaires club in America but he isn’t evil.

This is how I am following the Governor of California: https://twitter.com/search?q=newsom&src=typed_query in Twitter.

LISTENING TO THE REPORTERS and our President at this link: https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump it is important to listen to what is said, by the reporters and the President himself. He has just acted as an AMERICAN, in this latest press release. In that, the AMERICAN SPIRIT. So he is talking about himself, he is also talking through the lens that is the AMERICAN spirit in terms of helping other countries as well, because all of them are facing the same thing.

HOT SPOTS: State of Washington, NY, California – President DT

Something I want to say as an American around what the news is calling “racist” – the term CHINESE VIRUS – this is being used because as the President said – “it came from there”meaning it started (as much as any of us know, in a place called Wuhan) – this is what we saw in the news. Now, Americans also say this – “Let’s go get some Chinese Food” – this is true. I’m not sure if in other countries American Food is called this same thing? Here in CA we would say, “Let’s go get Thai Food and so forth. This is a reality, not racist. Where I live in Southern California, we have many cultures all coexisting together. All of my life. So, it’s the same thing for Japanese Food. We would say, let’s go get some Japanese Food. Here in CA, in our markets, there is food from all over the world. Except now the shelves are EMPTY. We would say the same thing about Mexican Food, French Food, and so forth. Here we also have Greek Food and Greek Festivals. Many people live in America from all over the world and from all the different cultures IN THE WORLD. The only thing I haven’t seen is CANADIAN restaurants in Southern California. They might exist but I have never seen them. This is the way Americans SPEAK about things. It would not be different in other countries I am sure, so a matter of Semantics.

BREAKING LEDE – The National Guard. Yesterday in Twitter you could see Army style trucks in a vid somebody posted from Seal Beach on trains. Here is the story from NPR News which is a trustable NEWS SOURCE https://www.npr.org/2020/03/22/817978107/white-house-coronavirus-team-to-hold-briefing-as-death-toll-continues-rising FROM THE STORY:

“President Trump said Sunday he has activated the National Guard to New York, California and Washington, states that so far have been hit hardest by the rapidly spreading coronavirus.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency will fund the deployment of the Guard, Trump said.

“This action will give them maximum flexibility to use the Guard against the virus without having to worry about costs and liability,” Trump said. “And [it frees] up state resources to protect the health and safety of the people in their state.”

I have used YOUTUBE to double check that news lede: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svmAqo1Daiw here is the President speaking on that https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rVD4p4CY0A

I am watching a video on how New York is coping. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4iZLfiK3rk I have never seen New York, but I know that many many people live there. They are very strong having gone through 9/11. These are New Yorkers speaking.

Like many other Americans we are watching news from Italy. Here from Sky News, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdx4Jo0GCRU It is so tragic. In the rains today, tears cring over the whole world. We had studied things in history, like the Black Plague, but to see this, in terms of the way we are all on the Internet in this era? There is not a way to process what the whole world is going through.

I am watching this news from Italy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWP1_Q065PQ it was from two days ago.

On the local news they are reporting today that the cases are up to 18 in this county. I am grateful that today we had food to eat. I was able to get it the other day. Life as we know it in California has SHUT DOWN. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I know that we have enough food, for tomorrow. I have a dog and a cat. I need to feed them too. Tonight the dog had to eat dry cat kibble as he had nothing in the store. I will have to go out to get his food. if I cannot find anything for him, I will feed him meat, if I can find some. This is the TERROR of life shutting down, after the governor has said what he has said. I want to show a picture of my dog and cat and the news has made me feel so nervous I cannot remember the tools I have to use here in WordPress to do that.

You could see them in Facebook if you knew me. My dog is named Odin, and my Cat is called Hemingway. They were both rescues from the local shelter.

Today, I heard planes still overhead, and I listen for the sound of the cars. I can hear some cars racing, in the distance. We are self-isolating, because we have been told to. But tomorrow I have to find food for my dog.

Just watched this video on what the California National Guard is doing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onuUGWejKOg&feature=youtu.be in terms of Foodbanks.

Listening to NEWS from NEW YORK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Trar6seIhDw this is about the doctors and the masks they need. FROM ABC NEWS, a trusted source.

The sound and the fury

Of an old year going out, and a new year rushing in, and the redesign of myself as a writer. I do wish all of you the best.

I was looking at what F. Scott Fitzgerald had to say, earlier this morning and it fits so I had that up over in Facebook, and again here. 2019 was a very crummy year, and so… this was a conjunction the other night, very massive, of Venus and the Moon hanging low over my city.

CORONAVIRUS DIARIES CALIFORNIA – ANIMAL PHARM. MAY 1st, 2020 SOCAL.

To begin to even talk about what it is like in the United States right now or in my small beachtown? Well let me get you some links.

It’s going to take me quite some time and I have a great deal to say. I spent 20 years working for the local newspaper before my degree in Depth Psychology, or before I became a published writer under various noms de plume for the web. I really appreciate WordPress in this moment. That’s all I can say. I was a child in Junior High here in Santa Barbara when I read Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle.”

I have done some research, using Wikipedia about a couple of the meat packing plants. So, I also read Animal Farm by Aldous Huxley at that time. The film Lord of the Flies as well.

The Guardian had a piece up today mentioning Sinclair, and I shall go further.

But first I want to talk about my dog, because I want to talk about how much our lives have changed in two months. He had to go to the vet. The vet who has been treating all the animals over a thirty year period. I want to talk about the experience, of the day, and all the thoughts, because, LIFE AS WE HAVE KNOWN IT? HAS CHANGED FOREVER. HOW DO I KNOW WHAT IS IN HIS DOG FOOD NOW THAT I HAVE READ ABOUT SMITHFIELD AND TYSON?

As you read the Wikipedia articles on these corporate giants, you are going to get the same sick feeling that I have, so do it. When you see the depth of the food chain they penetrate? My god you will throw up. I had to get something to eat for May first at the market, and for the dog. Imagine my horror walking through the supermarket. I’m not kidding. Most Californians have had a brush with vegetarianism, or veganism, but, we do love a barbecue now and then.

NOW WHAT?

This is my rescue, Odin, and we wanted to walk the beach. After the vet. He’s going to be fine, just an ear infection and skin stuff. It’s what was about to happen though around getting his prescriptions and the things I saw out and about on the streets.

CORONAVIRUS DIARIES

Someone did this. That’s the first thought, in the black dawn, after the drops of rain. All the countries are following the same pattern of shutdown. My dog is beside me, and all I can think about is how I am going to get him a giant bag of kibbles, and his cans, and where I am going to do that, today.

The thought occurs, they hoarded this too.

We are all in some kind of lost landscape now. It’s the same. It’s just after six, and I think of my grandmother saying, “It is always darkest before the dawn.” She’s right. The light will make it easier, writing makes it easier. I spent the morning looking at headlines. I could look at the maps. Looking at the maps only makes it worse. Why some places and not others?

I think about sewing a mask, maybe two or three. I’m not sure what to wear when I go out now. I have gloves from Thailand I was able to find. Latex gloves from an Import store, the one I found the toilet paper in. It is hard to adjust to being unfree, to having to wear certain things. At the market, people in the blue paper masks. I wonder where they got them.

To the south of me a city sprawls for miles.

To the north it is the same.

They have stripped the stores.

There are hundreds of videos on how to sew masks, from all over the world. In a box there is fabric, I could try. The last two times I went out I wore a muffler, that I could wrap around my face. I don’t understand the idea of all the people who order online. I like to go out and about, say hello to the people I know in places. It’s this terrible feeling of missing them, just people who own restaurants, people working. The stores are closed. There is the worry of how any of this will ever be able to come back after a few months. How things will look after that.

There are theories. https://www.vox.com/2020/3/4/21156607/how-did-the-coronavirus-get-started-china-wuhan-lab

There are a million questions. Someone knows the answer.

Dawn has broken over the city. I can still hear the owls and the birds. There is the matter of facing the day, facing the speeches, trying to eat. Trying to think of anything that can make this seem normal. At the store there were flowers. They were all on sale, and they are joy. The wildflowers are up. Maybe it is the smallest things, that can feed the soul in so much silence. The very smallest things.

I planted Sweet Peas.

I can work in the garden. I can try and breathe, through the fear. There are youtubes of others and how they are coping. I can make bread. For now I can make some bread.

I feel sad about Facebook, not being able to see my friends. I think right now I am socially isolating even from that, as there is not a way to speak about what we are all going through.